gungod hasn't registered for Wass Gold yet - have you?
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: sat behind you with a big fercking knife
Posts: 1,484
A couple arrives home to their 5-bedroom house in a leafy suburb.
Upon entering the house, they call out for their eldest daughter,
whose 18th birthday it was that day. The expected answer did not come,
so the father went upstairs. He knocked and entered his daughter's
bedroom and saw a letter on the bed.
With the worst possible premonition, he read with trembling hands:
Dear Mum and Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've
eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice,
especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle.
But it is not only that, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be
very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more
children with me and that is one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing
it for us and his friends. They're the ones providing us with all the
cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure so Ahmed
gets better. He deserves it.
Don't worry about money, Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that
his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can
earn £50 a scene and I get a £50 bonus if there are more than three
men in the scene, and an extra £100 if they use a horse. Don't worry
Mum, now I'm 18 years old I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter, Aimee
P.S. Dad, it's not true, I'm at a neighbors house. I just wanted to
show you that there are worse things in life than denting the car.
Sorry about your Mercedes.
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, his confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling: "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,"You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man" and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
When he opens is, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose,yelling "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The ollowing day, Nelson is resting and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You Sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says:
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We
don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within
20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you
the address because the last West Virginia family that lived
here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't
have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm
not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the
chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the
first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said
it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on,
so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really
worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father
out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out
what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men
tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We
had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch
was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your
other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they
couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the
normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students,
who is also the assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than
54 goes into 18.
Linear Mode
