Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend.
That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"
"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios..."
Wee John Paulfrom Castlemilk always wanted to look cool. His friend told
himthat he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his
shell suit.
John Paul saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from
returning his empty bottles of Bucky and finally managed to get himself
a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.
Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by
"see my new trainers? Cool, eh?"
One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine
pair of trainers but was young John Paul aware that he had a lace undone?
John Paul scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a
trailing lace and that on the sole of the trainer there were
instructions for the wearer to do such a thing. When asked for proof of
this instruction, John Paul took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read. "There y'are! It clearly says ....
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Taiwan!!!!!
My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*@%ing red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Code:
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Code:
He said: "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly".
she said: "well, you've succeeded"
He said: "shall we try swapping positions tonight ?"
Code:
She said: "That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart".
He said: "What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?" She said: "Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard'
kenny
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