MESSAGE LEFT ON THE ARMY ANSWERPHONE:
"Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry,
but all our units
are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged.
Please leave a message with your country, name of
organisation, the region, the specific crisis and a
number at which we can call you. As soon as we have
sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq,
Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, The Congo,
Afghanistan, marching up and down bits of tarmac in
London and compulsory health and safety at work
training whilst investing in our people, we will
return your call.
Please speak after the tone or, if you require more
options, listen to the following numbers:
A. If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press
1 for the Royal Marines and shout loudly - they are a
bit deaf due to prolonged
battle exposure since 1982 and likely to react angrily
when shaken owing to prolonged periods of sleep
denial. Alternatively you might find them when ashore
if you see men dressed in women's clothes (suzzies and
bras) with five-o'clock shadows and Adam's apples
(this does not apply in Soho).
B If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate,
good hotels and can be solved by one or two low-risk
bombing runs, please press 2 for the Royal Air Force.
(Please note that this service is not available after
1630 or weekends and that the Euro-Fighter took 30
years to build and they may be a little backward in
coming forward even if you are lucky enough to be
connected.)
C. If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be
resolved by a warship, some bunting, flags, a damn
good cocktail party and a first class marching band,
please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord,
The Royal Navy, Whitehall, London SW1. In doing so
you should note that you are more likely to get an
Admiral than a warship since the Royal Navy is down to
its last few and these are either broken, being sold
or cannibalised to keep the others going. Like the
Royal Marines, the silent service does not sleep much
and is very grouchy when deprived of rum, sodomy and
the lash as, with one exception, they have been for
the past 30 years; the third being now compulsory.
D. Contact the UN (New York) or EU (Brussels) if you
want a laugh and a couple of nice gendarmes to hold
your hand, or...
E. Contact anyone in the Pentagon, Washington, USA,
who are more likely to know where we are and what we
are doing next than any other British politicians or
senior officers. They have to know where we are to
ensure that the UK's proud reputation of being the
most accurately bombed of America's allies continues
into the future."
kenny
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