Dear Susan,
Iknow the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day youleft, I sworeI'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in
metalking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. Iguess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot ofthings. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking
bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of usdoes. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. Andthis is what my heart says...
"There's no one like you, Susan." I look for you in the eyes and breasts ofevery woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeksago, I met this girl at Ithaca Bar and brought her home with me. I don't
say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. Shewas young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth andmaybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a
perfectbody. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Everyman's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, Ithought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean?
Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But yousee whatI'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a betterheart than my moderately attractive Susan? I doubt it. And I'd never reallythought of that before. I don’t know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I foundmyself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just herflawless technique or her shameless hunger, but something else. Some ****ling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me.
It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Susan, to watch. Do youknow what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Susan, I'm justgoing crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of
you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met in Upper Side last year? Well,she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured Iwasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses ofwine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. Andthis tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me
everything, youknow like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or hercareer and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots thattilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floorand we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot,but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can'thelp thinking, "Why didn't Susan ever put the mirror on the floor? We've hadthis old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. Imean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on hershoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painfultime.She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general.She’s pulling for us to get back together, Susan, She really is. So we'redrinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here'sthis teenagegirl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much shelooked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And thenit turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and thatgets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how thatprobably fuelled some of the bitterness between us.
But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside yourbaby sister'scinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Susan. In your heartyou know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know, otherwise, can youlet me know where the remote control is?
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