Text messages

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I think the majority of us have a mobile phone, so I thought i'd start a thread where we can post funny text messages. I'll start us off with these two:

A man wants his 80 year old wife dead. He asked a retired hitman how he'd do it. He says "I'd shoot her just below the left nipple". The man says "I want her dead not fookin kneecapped"

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Mr CADBURY met Ms ROWNTREE in a room on QUALITY ST. It was AFTER EIGHT. He turned out the light for a bit of BLACK MAGIC, he slipped his hand in her SNICKERS & showed her his CURLY WURLY. Not keen to have any JELLY BABIES she let him take a trip up BOURNEVILLE boulevard. She screamed with TURKISH DELIGHT as he took out his FUN SIZED MARS BAR, it felt a bit CRUNCHIE & she wanted some TIME OUT, but he did a TWIRL & had a picnic in her PINK WAFERS

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Congratulations from http://www.sweetshop.com. You have won the weight of your dick in sweets. To collect your tic tac please contact us at tinynob@tinynob.com

two woman walking home from the pubdrunk and both have to pee, so they nip into a graveyard.one goes behind a bush and wipes here bits with her knickers, the other goes behind a gravestone and uses an old wreath.The next day their husbands are having a chat, ''we have to keep an eye on our wifes'' the first one says, ''coz mine came home last night without her knickers!!!''the second man says ''you think thats bad?!!, mine had a card stuck up her arse that said....from all the guys at the firestation....we'll never forget you!!!!!!!

[tricks27]

A jelly baby went to the doctors and said i think ive got aids. the doctor said dont be stupid your a jelly baby, he replies i know but ive been shagging all sorts



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im in hospital at the mo i ate a daffodil bulb on a cheese sandwich instead of an onion and ill be in hospital for a bit but dont worry ill be out in the spring



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life with a man is like a pack of cards

you need a HEART to love him,

a DIAMOND to marry him,

a CLUB to smash his fuckin head in

and a SPADE to bury to the BASTARD!

[buddiemad]

The post office have just released a stamp in the shape of a clitoris.

It's not selling too well as only 3% of the population know how to lick it.